How do I handle my toddler’s tantrums?
Tantrums are a normal, developmentally expected part of being a toddler — a young child overwhelmed by a big feeling they cannot yet manage or express. What helps most is staying calm, keeping your child safe, acknowledging the feeling, and reconnecting once the storm passes, rather than punishing or reasoning in the heat of it.
Points clés
- Tantrums are developmentally normal, not misbehaviour to punish: Siegel explains a toddler's "upstairs brain" for self-control is still developing, so big emotions flood faster than they can be regulated.
- Markham's guidance is to regulate yourself first — a dysregulated child cannot be calmed by a dysregulated adult — then keep the child safe and name the feeling simply.
- Lansbury's RIE approach shows a calm limit and empathy can coexist: you can hold the boundary ("we're not buying that today") while accepting the feeling. Reconnect once the child is calm rather than lecturing.
Why tantrums happen
Siegel explains that a young child's "upstairs brain" — the part that handles self-control and reasoning — is still under construction, so big emotions can flood the "downstairs brain" faster than a toddler can regulate them. A tantrum is that flood, not a manipulation.
Markham frames the parent's calm as the child's anchor: a dysregulated child cannot be calmed by a dysregulated adult. Regulating yourself first is the first move.
What helps in the moment
Keep the child safe and stay nearby. Name the feeling simply — "you really wanted that, and it's so hard to stop" — which Siegel describes as "connect and redirect": connect with the emotion before you address the behaviour.
Lansbury's RIE approach adds that you can hold a limit calmly and confidently while still accepting the feeling: the limit ("we're not buying that today") and the empathy ("you're upset, and that's okay") coexist. You do not have to give in to be kind, and you do not have to be harsh to hold a boundary.
After the storm
Once the child is calm, reconnect. Long lectures rarely land with a toddler; a brief, warm acknowledgement does more. Over time, naming feelings helps build the very regulation skills the child is missing.
Les parents demandent aussi
- Should I punish my toddler for a tantrum?
- A tantrum is an emotional flood, not deliberate misbehaviour. The approaches here favour calm limits and reconnection over punishment, which tends to escalate a dysregulated child.
- When are tantrums a concern?
- Frequent tantrums are typical for toddlers. If tantrums are extremely intense, very long, involve self-harm, or you are worried about development, raise it with your provider.
Sources
- Daniel Siegel — The Whole-Brain Child
A young child's self-control centres are still developing; connect with the emotion before addressing behaviour.
- Laura Markham — Aha! Parenting
A calm parent is the child's anchor; you cannot calm a child from a dysregulated state.
- Janet Lansbury — Elevating Child Care (RIE)
Hold the limit and accept the feeling at the same time.